When I first met up with Mrs H. to discuss the possibility of interviewing her regarding her grandchild with Downs syndrome her immediate reaction was, "oh what fun!" I was immediately struck by her very positive frame of mind which has obviously made an impact on the entire family.
Mrs H. has many grandchildren kein ayen hora and she shared with me her appreciation for every healthy grandchild that was born to her. "Prior to the birth of this granddaughter, whenever I had an grandchild", she confided, I used to say Baruch Hashem it's not Downs.
K.H.: Has your attitude to Downs Syndrome changed since your granddaughter was born?
Mrs H.: "Definitely, first of all they're all sisters to my granddaughter; they all look alike. Secondly I now view them as little 'mentchen' who have a lot to contribute. I talk to them as such, with respect. I do not baby them or regard them as second-class citizens. I have a language with them.
K.H.: How did you find out her condition?
Mrs H.: My son in law could not tell me over the phone. He phoned me from the hospital to tell me that my daughter had just given birth to a girl. Then my daughter phoned and said "I think it's downs."
"What did you say? I Dropped everything and ran to the hospital."
K.H.: You probably had to deal with your own emotions as well?
Mrs H.: All my thoughts went out to my daughter. I cared only for her and did not think at all about myself.
K.H.: What did you do to help your daughter?
Mrs H.: I stayed with her for twelve hours straight and did not leave her. She was in a terrible state. I was very positive about it and kept saying she's ours we'll love her. We'll keep her, I kissed the baby over and over again showing my daughter that I accepted the baby the way she was.
She looked like the other children in the family so I said she hasn't come to the wrong address because she even resembles the others. The siblings all love their sister.
I said, "at least we have where to send her, we have Side by Side." That helped a lot.
K.H.: What did people do to help your daughter?
Mrs H.: Nothing at all. There was nothing people could do. She couldn't go to Beis Brocho because she did not want to meet other people, she only wanted to be with or talk to people in the same situation.
Even her sisters didn't know what to say and do. Later on they helped physically by looking after the other children.
When the baby's condition was confirmed at the hospital the midwife said it's only a social problem. That remark helped a lot because it's so true. It's the way people react that makes it hard - our attitude is all wrong.
My son in law's reaction helped a lot. Even though he does not usually love new born babies he made every effort to love this one. He went out of his way to demonstrate his love and acceptance for this helpless new born and therefore bonded extremely well even more than with the others. That helped my daughter a lot and the entire family. He's not ashamed of his daughter and takes her out with him whenever possible.
On that first day on the way going home from hospital min hashamayim I met a mother of a child with downs syndrome. That woman who I know very well was a life saver. She gave my daughter so much emotional support because she was in the very same situation and she truly understood.
K.H.: What advice would would you give to other grandmothers of a child with Downs syndrome?
Mrs H.: Love the child, show him how much you love and accept him.
Love the baby in front of the mother. Accept him as he is, bond with him and keep in touch. Try to find out every new development.
The mother should be able to depend on you for love and encouragement.
Take nothing for granted, everything is a simcha, every word, every chochma. Her first step for instance took so long but the reward was so great.
K.H.: You seem to have an extremely positive attitude; what do you think contributed towards that?
Mrs H.: I was not a spoilt child. I grew up during the war and to me normal family life is a luxury I never had as a small girl.
K.H.: In which way have your lives changed because of your granddaughter?
Mrs H.: My grandchildren are more sensitive and understanding to others and especially to those with special needs. They appreciate them and realise that they have so much to offer.
K.H.: What can people do to help a person in this situation?
Mrs H.: Just be normal, wish mazal tov come to the simcha. Say hello to the mother. Don't ignore her. Don't cross over to the other side of the street as was sometimes the case with my daughter.
K.H.: I remember not being sure whether to give you mazal tov. You taught us how to behave.
Mrs H.: Yes, my message was "don't I get a mazal tov?" I had a grandchild, don't nebech us.
Don't say nebech when hearing this news. Nobody wants to be pitied.
K.H.: Do you have an amusing experience to share with us?
Mrs H.: The Children were sitting round their sister with mummy who was becoming increasingly frustrated because she had been putting in so much efforts into this child. There seemed to be absolutely no reaction. My daughter said to the child "look how much we're doing for you, look how much time I'm spending with you and what do you do for us - nothing!" My granddaughter was about two and a half years old at the time. She looked her mummy straight in the eye and said her first word "MUMMY."
Oh, how all the children cheered and obviously my daughter rang straightaway to share the good news with me.
K.H.: How did you help your grandchildren come to terms with the new born baby's condition?
Mrs H.: I explained the baby's condition to the bigger ones. They all took it well and immediately said they would love her. I did not say it was a tragedy because by Hashem there are no mistakes.
I was very positive about the baby and spoke about loving her and helping mummy.
K.H.: That must have had a very positive effect on the grandchildren. Perhaps it was because of your influence that they took it so well.
Any particular message you would like to give our readers?
Mrs H.: Hashem makes no mistakes, we just need a lot of physical and emotional efforts to cope.
We did not choose this baby. Hashem chose my daughter and son in law to take care of her and believe me, lucky baby she couldn't have found a better address.
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