Wedding expenses

 I saw this letter in the News Update - a weekly Jewish circular of North London.

Much of the listed costs can be debated but this is not the point as the writer himself quotes.

My main humble view is as follows.

We are a community and not a close knit organisation or chassidus under one ruling body so imposing ‘Takonnes’ will never have effect.

Our Union does offer a simchas nisuin service and can try to reform it but so far it has proven to be as the writer rightly puts it.

The only effective way is if people will start adopting a different style and standard from the level we think we have to keep whether we can afford it or not.

The 2 fundamental questions are:

a) to which reasonable style and standard we should reduce and

b) how and by which effective way to adopt these changes.

As for question a) see suggestions below. These are only some suggestions on a give or take basis. Additionally, it’s inappropriate here to adjust levels for the other side of the mechitzah on issues we do not value or fail to sympathise by nature, vice-versa. Like Kallah gifts, flowers, or pre wedding shopping. The principal is the core point. Let’s hear likewise suggestions from the other side.

TENOYIM: The first major cost when the simcha still bubbling over, is the tenoyim in a hall as opposed to the once upon a time spontaneous homely natural simcha at outbreak. £5000?

GIFTS For the Choson: Watch!  Becher! Esrog pushka!  Menoira!  Megilla! Machzoirim!  Shas!  Do we need to give all? (season depending) 2 or 3 of this list was always the norm.

SHTREIMEL!! Chasanim nowadays come home knowing exactly what, where and how much to pay for the shtreimel not below 4,000 dollars on the lucky side!

Try lining up all chasanim a year after and try guessing which paid this price or more and which paid 1800 pounds.

INVITATIONS The London religiously adopted system must be scrapped. Probably yet from the only places where so many chuppa invites are sent to anyone who smiles to you all year around. DINNER invites and reply card system (London only?) , together with the general invitations as above are an enormous cost, time consuming and so frustrating.

This perspective on invitations and the alternative option will transpire further down when we talk about the style/standard of wedding.

As a preface before elaborating on reforming the style/standard of weddings; we must realise from experience that weddings nowadays have become what people like calling ‘commercialised’.  Still the one big cherished and memorable day in a lifetime and will always spiritually remain so, however since the kehillah has grown so immensely and families have bli ein ho’ra grown b’h to wide span 3 or 4 generations, the situation has become that we have average 3 weddings a night so even the people that do reply they are coming, just about turn up to show themselves and leave early, not always to run to another wedding, but down to the fact that people are less patient as there are so many throughout the year kein yirbu. So consequently we mechutonim are paying so much for a top standard meal and accounting for people who do not really appreciate and maybe would have been more satisfied not being invited.

So the best solution is to follow the way as in many places worldwide like Eretz Yisroel and USA (of course only the mainstream chasiddishe/torahdige spectrum of Brooklyn, Monsey, Lakewood) i.e to scale down on the dinner, the menu and the amount of people you invite whereby you account for closest family (first cousins, uncles, nephews) and very close friends, the menu one regular standard and instead prepare a very nice wide range lavish side bar (here London must scale up from the depressing cholent and Kugel..).

No dinner/reply cards; instead all invitations should say ‘Dinner in xyz hall’ OR ‘followed by dinner’!!!! yes I can assure you will not have the whole town come running, only the closest will naturally and joyfully attend (you will anyway make sure by word of mouth that the close family will be there). Anybody wanting to participate and can not find a place will be glad helping themselves at the bar. People will not be offended for being or not being invited as all are invited; they will only bentch you!

The invitation list for the all in one card can be scaled down only to the very close nearest and dearest

People nowadays anyway do not even remember getting chupa cards, they know where and when they need to attend and will get reminded by our gebenchte daily bulletins and a copy of the invitation including dinner in the weekly advertisers.

Before we go on to answering  question b) we must have awareness to the following points

This proposal may be looked at negatively by many who will not believe these changes can be made.

Of course this can only be by revolutionising the system.

No doubt it will only be adopted by the mainstream increasingly general public i.e our expanding Kehilla of yingerleit making chasuna. The upper better class will never adopt this system but if successful we may be surprised.

The concept of reducing the standard of the menu must be explored. I can not suggest how and what is acceptable and how effective on costs but this is something to be worked out by askonim and caterers. The existing top market caterers will find it difficult to go down much on costs no matter the menu so we need one beginner caterer to take on themselves the mission of one standard menu and better bar for x amount of people. This caterer will win the monopol of the market of caterers and all will follow until slowly the system will change.

As for question b)

In short:

• An organisation must be created to promote the new concept by propaganda rabbinically supported.

• The individual kehillos should promote between their members the new concept.

• Separately there must be input as education to our children as to what is necessity and what is luxury.

• Families being meshadech should agree on day one.Weddings will remain to be a beautiful and spiritual event.

There is more to add.

זה ההוצאות 
צמיד  1.600
שעון 4.400
שרשרת 2400
טבעת אירוסין 4.400
פמוטים 2.100
שבת אופריף 1.200
אולם שבע ברוכות 600 + 600= 1.200
שטריימל 5.000
סידור ותהילים 550
הלבשה 3.000
נעלים 1.000
פרחים של תנואים 1.000
מדריך 1.200