I saw this letter in the News Update - a weekly Jewish circular of North London.
Much of the listed costs can be debated but this is not the
point as the writer himself quotes.
My main humble view is as follows.
We are a community and not a close knit organisation or
chassidus under one ruling body so imposing ‘Takonnes’ will never have effect.
Our Union does offer a simchas nisuin service and can try to
reform it but so far it has proven to be as the writer rightly puts it.
The only effective way is if people will start adopting a
different style and standard from the level we think we have to keep whether we
can afford it or not.
The 2 fundamental questions are:
a) to which reasonable style and standard we should reduce
and
b) how and by which effective way to adopt these changes.
As for question a) see suggestions below. These are only
some suggestions on a give or take basis. Additionally, it’s inappropriate here
to adjust levels for the other side of the mechitzah on issues we do not value
or fail to sympathise by nature, vice-versa. Like Kallah gifts, flowers, or pre
wedding shopping. The principal is the core point. Let’s hear likewise
suggestions from the other side.
TENOYIM: The first major cost when the simcha still bubbling
over, is the tenoyim in a hall as opposed to the once upon a time spontaneous
homely natural simcha at outbreak. £5000?
GIFTS For the Choson: Watch!
Becher! Esrog pushka!
Menoira! Megilla!
Machzoirim! Shas! Do we need to give all? (season depending) 2
or 3 of this list was always the norm.
SHTREIMEL!! Chasanim nowadays come home knowing exactly
what, where and how much to pay for the shtreimel not below 4,000 dollars on
the lucky side!
Try lining up all chasanim a year after and try guessing
which paid this price or more and which paid 1800 pounds.
INVITATIONS The London religiously adopted system must be
scrapped. Probably yet from the only places where so many chuppa invites are
sent to anyone who smiles to you all year around. DINNER invites and reply card
system (London only?) , together with the general invitations as above are an
enormous cost, time consuming and so frustrating.
This perspective on invitations and the alternative option
will transpire further down when we talk about the style/standard of wedding.
As a preface before elaborating on reforming the
style/standard of weddings; we must realise from experience that weddings
nowadays have become what people like calling ‘commercialised’. Still the one big cherished and memorable day
in a lifetime and will always spiritually remain so, however since the kehillah
has grown so immensely and families have bli ein ho’ra grown b’h to wide span 3
or 4 generations, the situation has become that we have average 3 weddings a
night so even the people that do reply they are coming, just about turn up to
show themselves and leave early, not always to run to another wedding, but down
to the fact that people are less patient as there are so many throughout the
year kein yirbu. So consequently we mechutonim are paying so much for a top
standard meal and accounting for people who do not really appreciate and maybe
would have been more satisfied not being invited.
So the best solution is to follow the way as in many places
worldwide like Eretz Yisroel and USA (of course only the mainstream chasiddishe/torahdige
spectrum of Brooklyn, Monsey, Lakewood) i.e to scale down on the dinner, the
menu and the amount of people you invite whereby you account for closest family
(first cousins, uncles, nephews) and very close friends, the menu one regular
standard and instead prepare a very nice wide range lavish side bar (here
London must scale up from the depressing cholent and Kugel..).
No dinner/reply cards; instead all invitations should say
‘Dinner in xyz hall’ OR ‘followed by dinner’!!!! yes I can assure you will not
have the whole town come running, only the closest will naturally and joyfully
attend (you will anyway make sure by word of mouth that the close family will
be there). Anybody wanting to participate and can not find a place will be glad
helping themselves at the bar. People will not be offended for being or not
being invited as all are invited; they will only bentch you!
The invitation list for the all in one card can be scaled
down only to the very close nearest and dearest
People nowadays anyway do not even remember getting chupa
cards, they know where and when they need to attend and will get reminded by
our gebenchte daily bulletins and a copy of the invitation including dinner in
the weekly advertisers.
Before we go on to answering
question b) we must have awareness to the following points
This proposal may be looked at negatively by many who will
not believe these changes can be made.
Of course this can only be by revolutionising the system.
No doubt it will only be adopted by the mainstream
increasingly general public i.e our expanding Kehilla of yingerleit making
chasuna. The upper better class will never adopt this system but if successful
we may be surprised.
The concept of reducing the standard of the menu must be
explored. I can not suggest how and what is acceptable and how effective on
costs but this is something to be worked out by askonim and caterers. The
existing top market caterers will find it difficult to go down much on costs no
matter the menu so we need one beginner caterer to take on themselves the
mission of one standard menu and better bar for x amount of people. This
caterer will win the monopol of the market of caterers and all will follow
until slowly the system will change.
As for question b)
In short:
• An organisation must be created to promote the new concept
by propaganda rabbinically supported.
• The individual kehillos should promote between their
members the new concept.
• Separately there must be input as education to our
children as to what is necessity and what is luxury.
• Families being meshadech should agree on day one.Weddings will remain to be a beautiful and spiritual event.
There is more to add.
זה ההוצאות
צמיד 1.600
שעון 4.400
שרשרת 2400
טבעת אירוסין 4.400
פמוטים 2.100
שבת אופריף 1.200
אולם שבע ברוכות 600 + 600= 1.200
שטריימל 5.000
סידור ותהילים 550
הלבשה 3.000
נעלים 1.000
פרחים של תנואים 1.000
מדריך 1.200
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