First Published online: 28/08/2015
“I believe it’s not a shidduch crisis, but a shadchanim crisis”
Interview with Reb Menasche Scharf, a HaGefen representative in London, by Naftali Zvi Dembitzer.This interview first appeared in the Inyan Magazine, which is an integral part of the weekly HaModia (English UK Edition) newspaper.
The article was published to coincide with TU BeAv 5775 - 30/07/2015, a day that is historically associated with Shiduchim, as brought down in the Babylonian Talmud.
Hamodia: I’ve known you for quite some time as an askan, usually behind the scenes. Can you tell us a bit more about what you do?
Hamodia: I’ve known you for quite some time as an askan, usually behind the scenes. Can you tell us a bit more about what you do?
Menasche Scharf: I grew up in the Belz Chassidus, where there’s a big emphasis on helping other Yidden, which may take on any shape or form. Whether it’s opening a new shul or gemach, arranging the internet asifa, or rallying more votes for the local community elections, I try to help.
Fifteen years ago, I made my first shidduch between two local families. I knew the boy very well and I knew the girl very well, and the shidduch came about. I have since then been in touch with many Shadchonim and tried to analyse what makes a good Shadchan.
From my observations I found that there are three types of shadchanim:
Menasche Scharf: I believe there is no shidduch crisis, but a shadchanim crisis: there are plenty of boys and girls around, but there aren’t enough matchmakers to pair them up as quickly as we would have liked.
The shidduch age is going down; I’m not saying it’s good or bad, but it definitely creates pressure. The age varies in some communities; for example, in certain Chassidic circles the Shidduch age used was 20, then it became 19, and then 18, and now shidduchim are made where the chassan is not yet eighteen! On the other hand there are certain Kehillos where the shidduch lists are getting more and more entries whilst the existing entries don’t seem to move anywhere soon, and this is why we need more shadchanim to tackle them.
Hamodia: You say we need more shadchanim. So how does one become a shadchan?
Menasche Scharf: There’s no university that teaches how to be a shadchan. shadchanim are self-made. Many newly-marrieds try their hand at shidduchim: he has friends and she has friends, and they try to match them up. Yet, after six months, ninety percent will have stopped trying , for the simple reason that no one coached them through the initial stages of this highly rewarding career.
In order to minimise the crisis, we will have to work through the follow steps:
Menasche Scharf: The database will have a Log-in system, so that every phone call one makes is logged and clocked. In this way, the more time one invests in a shidduch, the more time he clocks up on the system, and the shadchanus fees will be divided proportionately to the time each individual put into it.
So if the deputy shadchan says, “I would like to suggest a shidduch,” and the main shadchan says, “Looks good; go and try it,” this deputy shadchan will have it logged on his account that he invested this time and this phone call, and he will get paid for it. With an incentive like that, I hope to see a lot of success.
I can also share with you the good news, that I’ve joined efforts with a number of local Shadchonim, with whom I hope to set up a branch of HaGefen, possibly under a global umbrella organisation.
On 15th June ‘15, a meeting was held in the home of Rabbi Sholom Stern in London, where Rabbi Chaim Yitzchok Deblinger - one of the coordinators of HaGefen in Jerusalem - presided over a discussion to set up HaGefen in London. It was agreed to open an office, pay Shadchonim an hourly rate, and set the scene for a fundraising drive to help finance the nascent global HaGefen initiative.
The organisation is currently under the leadership and guidance of Rav Binyomin Eckstein, Dayan of the 49 St. Kilda’s Road Belz shtiebel in London. In addition, Rav Yitzchok B. Daskal of Rav Mordechai Gross’s beis din in Bnei Berak has agreed to pasken any Choshen Mishpat issues the London organisation will face.
At the moment, we are still fundraising for setting up a central office and the Shidduch Buch database. We are also speaking to local communal leaders, and making it clear that the same way a Kehilla has to provide shochtim, mohalim, dayanim and yeshivos etc., it also has to ensure there are enough shadchanim.
Speaking of fundraising, I ask of shadchanim that they give ma’aser too; ma’aser of their time… When you have made nine shidduchim, make a point of investing in one shidduch for those people who get left behind - one ‘hard’ shidduch. Instead of relegating someone as a nebbach and move on, one should be noiseh be’ol im chaveiro (the acronym of which spells נעב"ח…).
There are about half a dozen very dedicated shadchonim in the UK who do their best. Alas, their input cannot keep up with the demand, hence the "Shadchonim Crisis". With the help of local Rabbonim, Askonim and Shadchonim, it is now possible to envisage a repeat performance of HaGefen Jerusalem’s successes, so that London-based singles might also look forward to divine-inspired help to their plight.
It is my hope that this article will awaken the public from the apathy that somehow engulfs them and galvanize them into helping form a system that will hopefully stem the tide and bring about salvation to Klal Yisroel.
If you would like to donate towards this project, please contact: +447974160252
Fifteen years ago, I made my first shidduch between two local families. I knew the boy very well and I knew the girl very well, and the shidduch came about. I have since then been in touch with many Shadchonim and tried to analyse what makes a good Shadchan.
From my observations I found that there are three types of shadchanim:
- There are those who have not invested any effort in researching both parties to see whether they match at all, they suggest a shidduch only because they happen to know the two families . Sometimes they are lucky enough that it works out and at worst they cause misfortune to at least six people, i.e. both sets of parents, the young couple and their kid(s)...
- Then there is the naturally-born shadchan, who knows everything about everyone; so he knows more about the boy and the girl and whether it’s a potential match. But the downside is that this type of Shadchan usually a) decides for you and b) doesn’t always keep things confidential; the whole town knows you’re going to make a shidduch even before you’ve decided!
- The previous two are at opposing poles. In the middle are the normal shadchanim: they know a few people. They try to help. They’re not always successful, but they try; they put their heart into it: this is one of the main ingredients of a good shadchan. They can be non-professionals, who happen to know a boy and a girl and happen to know that the two families are compatible, and voila: a plate is broken… The downside with this type of Shiduch is that because they are novices, ‘es past nisht’ for some baalebatim, who sidestep and hire a professional to ‘finalise’ things just to make it ‘looks balebatish’, and pay just a percentage to the actual shadchanis sure not to want to invest any efforts in arranging a shidduch ever again This contributes to having less shadchanim, and this reinforces the already existing crisis…
Menasche Scharf: I believe there is no shidduch crisis, but a shadchanim crisis: there are plenty of boys and girls around, but there aren’t enough matchmakers to pair them up as quickly as we would have liked.
The shidduch age is going down; I’m not saying it’s good or bad, but it definitely creates pressure. The age varies in some communities; for example, in certain Chassidic circles the Shidduch age used was 20, then it became 19, and then 18, and now shidduchim are made where the chassan is not yet eighteen! On the other hand there are certain Kehillos where the shidduch lists are getting more and more entries whilst the existing entries don’t seem to move anywhere soon, and this is why we need more shadchanim to tackle them.
Hamodia: You say we need more shadchanim. So how does one become a shadchan?
Menasche Scharf: There’s no university that teaches how to be a shadchan. shadchanim are self-made. Many newly-marrieds try their hand at shidduchim: he has friends and she has friends, and they try to match them up. Yet, after six months, ninety percent will have stopped trying , for the simple reason that no one coached them through the initial stages of this highly rewarding career.
In order to minimise the crisis, we will have to work through the follow steps:
- TRAINING: step one in resolving the shadchanim crisis is to provide a framework for training new shadchanimand placements with a veteran shadchan upon completion of the course as an apprentice secretary.
- CUSTOMER SERVICE: This way, we would actually achieve step two: besides creating more shadchanim, shadchanim will finally have secretaries! Some shadchanim are so busy that in the best case you have to call them ten times, and after the tenth time they ‘might’ pick up the phone and in the worst case you reach their voicemail but cannot leave a message as it’s full.
- LOCAL DATABASE: Step three involves setting up a confidential list of local prospects. A lot can be achieved with a bit of automation: people who have not been contacted for a few weeks can appear in a ‘Reminders’ pane on the screen, for the secretary to give them a call and offer them some more suggestion from the new names that keep being added on to the database. When someone would call up the shadchan and ask if there is any suggestion for their son or daughter, the secretary will be able to look them up on the database and see immediately what the last suggestion was like, why it didn’t work out, and when was the last time someone called the parents with a new suggestion. Also, by working together with an experienced shadchan, the novice shadchan will be able to gain a lot of knowledge as to the compatibility of prospective matches. The fact that one finds a boy and a girl doesn’t mean it’s a match! Experienced shadchanim know what questions to ask, they usually know many, many people, as they’ve been around longer and can reach a more balanced view on the viability of one prospective Shiduch over another.
- Step four in resolving the crisis, is for shadchanim to join efforts in the form of sharing information. I don’t mean to says that shadchanim have to give away their business secrets, but they should exchange names with other shadchanim. A shadchan should approach other shadchanim and say, “I tried this. It didn’t work. however I’m convinced that this Shiduch could work. Please give it a try as it might work through your input.” That’s why it’s so important for shadchanim to hold regular meetings, so that they can brainstorm together. You’ll be surprised, it works wonders! There is a group of shadchantes here in London, and the ladies meet once a month. As for men shadchanim, currently there are only three shadchanim who work together here, and this is not enough. Which brings me to my next idea:
- GLOBAL DATABASE: Step five is to create a centralied global shidduch database, we would call it Shidduch Buch (e.g. shadchan’s notebook). The few shadchanim around simply can’t manage so much volume on their own. If you organize data in a coherent fashion, you can very easily make a search for a match with a similar background, similar wants etc. - across a multitude of countries. Many shadchanim have lists that are too long for them to handle, so they concentrate their efforts on the ‘easy’ ones, the local ones, or the ones that look most promising… The result is that people are left behind and relegated to the bottom of the list, even though they might come from nice, normal families. In some kehillos in Eretz Yisroel, the idea of databases is already in use. However, it may limited to applicants over the age of 24 who reside there. By making an organization for older singles, you’re labeling them that they are ‘old’. Then there are some organizations who have their own global databases, but if you want to be placed on their lists, you have to wait twelve months because there’s such a long waiting list. But this is totally unnecessary; all I would say is, “We have an organization for shidduchim. Everyone is welcome.” What we need is for shadchanim to place their lists on a centralized database, and for the lists to be dealt with by their secretaries and by regular meetings with other veteran shadchanim; and the information on the database should be available for all the shadchanim all the time, not just by the meetings. I am sure that many more shidduchim will happen this way iy”h.
- Step six is, once there are secretaries and there is a database, any lay person will be able to call in to the shidduch office and tell them of a girl or boy in their family or circle who needs a shidduch. In this way, even people who can’t be a shadchan themselves can help the people they know. Every person in Klal Yisrael can be a shadchan. It doesn’t mean that they have to start a shidduch and finish the shidduch. But they have to think about it and do ‘something’, like picking up the phone and letting the shidduch office know.
Menasche Scharf: The database will have a Log-in system, so that every phone call one makes is logged and clocked. In this way, the more time one invests in a shidduch, the more time he clocks up on the system, and the shadchanus fees will be divided proportionately to the time each individual put into it.
So if the deputy shadchan says, “I would like to suggest a shidduch,” and the main shadchan says, “Looks good; go and try it,” this deputy shadchan will have it logged on his account that he invested this time and this phone call, and he will get paid for it. With an incentive like that, I hope to see a lot of success.
I can also share with you the good news, that I’ve joined efforts with a number of local Shadchonim, with whom I hope to set up a branch of HaGefen, possibly under a global umbrella organisation.
On 15th June ‘15, a meeting was held in the home of Rabbi Sholom Stern in London, where Rabbi Chaim Yitzchok Deblinger - one of the coordinators of HaGefen in Jerusalem - presided over a discussion to set up HaGefen in London. It was agreed to open an office, pay Shadchonim an hourly rate, and set the scene for a fundraising drive to help finance the nascent global HaGefen initiative.
The organisation is currently under the leadership and guidance of Rav Binyomin Eckstein, Dayan of the 49 St. Kilda’s Road Belz shtiebel in London. In addition, Rav Yitzchok B. Daskal of Rav Mordechai Gross’s beis din in Bnei Berak has agreed to pasken any Choshen Mishpat issues the London organisation will face.
At the moment, we are still fundraising for setting up a central office and the Shidduch Buch database. We are also speaking to local communal leaders, and making it clear that the same way a Kehilla has to provide shochtim, mohalim, dayanim and yeshivos etc., it also has to ensure there are enough shadchanim.
Speaking of fundraising, I ask of shadchanim that they give ma’aser too; ma’aser of their time… When you have made nine shidduchim, make a point of investing in one shidduch for those people who get left behind - one ‘hard’ shidduch. Instead of relegating someone as a nebbach and move on, one should be noiseh be’ol im chaveiro (the acronym of which spells נעב"ח…).
There are about half a dozen very dedicated shadchonim in the UK who do their best. Alas, their input cannot keep up with the demand, hence the "Shadchonim Crisis". With the help of local Rabbonim, Askonim and Shadchonim, it is now possible to envisage a repeat performance of HaGefen Jerusalem’s successes, so that London-based singles might also look forward to divine-inspired help to their plight.
It is my hope that this article will awaken the public from the apathy that somehow engulfs them and galvanize them into helping form a system that will hopefully stem the tide and bring about salvation to Klal Yisroel.
If you would like to donate towards this project, please contact: +447974160252
P. S. Dear reader, remember to speak to the Master Shadchan up above: Say chapter 121 of Psalms daily. This is because 1) It is potent and 2) because the number 121 suggests exactly what you're in for: 121 = "One to One" . . .
