Family Bonding or Family Bombing?
In response to many requests from my dear Darkei-Chaim'ers, the feature article of this edition will address 'Keeping your Kids in Line During the Summer.'
Unlike in Europe, in the US, most mothers are up in the Catskills with the kids while the fathers remain 'in town' working. Is that the ideal Torah way? Absolutely not, but I don't plan to go into why not since it is tangential to the main issue. I only bring it to your attention because this arrangement makes it difficult to manage your children and be them Mechanech.
You will often hear a mother who is trying to keep her kids under control say "If you don't go to bed this instant, Tatty will know about it when he comes home". In the pleasant summer atmosphere of the Catskills this threat is about as affective as telling Bin Laden to stop or he will have to 'stand in the corner for being a bad boy'. While the mothers struggle with discipline, the fathers barely see their children at all and have no real bonding time with them throughout July and August.
Now let's go to the kids. They are, quite frankly, overly stimulated by the activities they have in day camp or other programs they may be enrolled in. The spontaneous summer air seems to send a parent's rules and regulations flying far afield. Without spending to much time discussing it, every parent knows that at this time of year they may have to turn a blind eye to some of the behaviours which during the year might be considered unacceptable. (If not for their child's sake, then simply for their own.)
The ironic reality is, that instead of getting the relaxing boost they need before starting the next school year, kids may tumble backward in their Ruchnius throughout the summer due to having no disciplinary structure and no meaningful interaction with their fathers. This is because a healthy Kesher Nafshi (emotional-bond) is the main component of Chinuch Habonim. This bond is created through each of the daily interactions; be they disciplinary or emotional. No interactions = No bond = One tough situation for all the players. The result is that the wonderful aim of relaxation and family bonding turns into one of explosive family bombing. Album
The challenging schedule leaves us with only one real option for solid family interaction; the holy day of Shabbos and the following Sunday. We have to bond enough, teach enough and relate enough in these three days to last for a full week. It's a weekly B12 shot for your kids if you will. Quality rather than quantity is true all year round, but especially during the summer.
That said, I'd like to pose a question to the Fathers in the crowd. Do you want to make your wives job easier while you are in the city? Do you want to come up to a wife greeting you with a rested smile? Do you want your children to fully benefit from the summer vacation and return recharged next year? Most of all, do you want to be able to enjoy yourself when you finally do get up to the mountains for Shabbos? Of course you do! Then listen closely. . . .
Rule number one: Talk to you children over the phone every single weekday. I say 'talk' and not 'chat' which implies lecturing them on how to behave, which will guarantee that the child just happens to be out of the room whenever you call. Ask them about their day. Tell them how much you miss them and that you can hardly wait until Shabbos to see them. Its o.k. to tell your oldest 9 year old son that he is the man of the house, which makes it all the more important to behave properly. But don't lecture him. This daily phone call will vaporise the need for 90% of the panicky calls you might otherwise have received from your wife. It will also maintain the Kesher Nafshi between you and them even when you are physically separated.
Another suggestion is to learn a half hour of Pirkei Avos together. Yes you will have to do some preparation, but you can't imagine how rewarding this will be. Believe me, you will enjoy this learning much more than the 'Strawberries and Cream' you have at Shalosh Seudos. On Sunday take a walk with your child in the crisp mountain air. Play a game of catch, hide and go seek or a game of ball together!
These Shabbosim are tremendous opportunities. There are no bills. No headaches. The place is literally pure of all the detrimental influences your child is exposed to in the city. Your child is more at rest and his heart is more open to accept. At this time you can even discuss with your child spiritual and existential matters which you don't have the opportunity to discuss during the year.
Seize the opportunity during the Nine days to ignite within them the spark of yearning and recognition for what it meant to live in Eretz Yisroel with the Beis Hamikdash, what it meant to be Oileh Regel and to feel the Shechina. Sit down and tell them about the Spanish Inquisition, the crusaders and the holocaust. Let them hear about the Jews who held on to their Tzelem Elokim through each ordeal. Think of other creative ways to connect with your kids as well.
Not only will this be a positive Chinuch experience for them, but you will also look forward to those Shabbossim. Above all, the pleasant experiences will carry through to the week and your wife will have an easier time while you are gone. Dear Father, tell your secretary "absolutely no disturbances for the next fifteen minutes" because you have to get on the phone and make an important business call; your 'family business'. . . .
By: Rabbi Chaim Hanshteter - Tel: +323 231 2270
